March 2009 Archives

Clarity isn't just about how you talk to yourself. It's also about how you talk with other people. As a coaching client recently realized about communicating with her son: "I've got to be grounded, clear, and specific."

Communicating our desires and boundaries can be difficult. How will the other person respond? Will I hurt the relationship? Truth is, if the relationship is authentic, it will accommodate the expression of your true self. Nevertheless, difficult conversations are, well, difficult.

Daisy Wademan Dowling writes an excellent blogpost on the subject: "7 Tips for Difficult Conversations."

My favorite tip, one that was powerful for me when I first encountered it a number of years ago: "Adopt the 'and' stance."

What does that mean? Very simple. Instead of using the word "but," use the word "and."

For example, instead of:
"I asked for the double chocolate cake, but you brought home sugar-free ice cream."
Substitute:
"I asked for the double chocolate cake, and you brought home sugar-free ice cream."

The effect is subtle--and significant. You firmly express your position and state the other's position/action without setting up an opposition. You are literally placing the two of you on the same side. You frame the conversation as a project you're working on together, thereby discouraging defensiveness.

Try it. Let me know how it works!

Photo by Procsilas.

For my first pair of eyeglasses, I chose baby blue cat's eyes. I was six or seven. And except for a brief dalliance with contacts (I'm just too lazy), I could tell my entire life story in eyeglasses. Outsized to granny, wire to plastic, tortoise shell to red.

It's a near-impossible task to find the right frames. How are you supposed to SEE yourself clearly, when you don't have any lenses? And you're pretty much at the mercy of the current trend. Last time I went in for an update, it was hard to find a pair without those awful nose-pinchers.

That's when I discovered Jana Lewis, ABOE, NCLE. She's a board-certified optician at Bella Vision, 1012 W 38 Street, Austin. I love Bella Vision's motto: "Clear vision begins with healthy eyes." It's all about the clarity.

Jana knew her stock, she knew how to fit, and she knew what looked good. I just sat back while she rushed around the store gathering up the likeliest candidates. She fit me in readers, bifocals, and sunglasses. And I'm still loving them all.

So, I thought to ask Jana to share her secrets, in case you can't get to work with her in person. (Which you'll love, she's got a large spirit!)

"Getting the correct fit is key," she advises. "Getting a frame that is too large will make your eyes look closed in. A frame that is too small will make your eyes look too far apart. Along with temples and lens size, it's crucial to get the correct size needed for your particular face."

Too many women, she adds, stay within their comfort zones. "With so many stylish choices and colors nowadays, there is no reason to stay within your box. Branch out and enjoy!"

Here are Jana's top three tips for choosing a frame:

1.  Go to a professional. A licensed optician will get you in the right size and fit.
2.  Open yourself to new shapes and colors.
3.  While fashion is important, don't forget that function is essential.

Photo by Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

In the best of times, I help women who are yearning for more purposeful work. Now, in the worst of times, even more women--whether currently employed and unemployed--are feeling the pull to reconsider how they spend their work lives. As one recent corporate casualty told me, she is choosing to turn this setback into an opportunity for transition.

When you're talking about purposeful work, Haley Rushing is the expert. As the "Chief Purposologist" at marketing/advertising company GSD&M Idea City, she spends her workday helping value-focused companies like Southwest Airlines refine and articulate their core purpose.

So I took a look at Haley's new book, It's Not What You Sell, It's What You Stand For: Why Every Extraordinary Business Is Driven by Purpose, co-authored with GSD&M Idea City chairman and CEO Roy M. Spence, Jr. Although the book targets organizations, the chapter on "Discovering Your Purpose" is easily adaptable for individuals. In fact, when Haley send the book galleys to her Aunt Vicki, it inspired the longtime banker to retire from the increasingly product-driven industry in favor of the nonprofit sector.

If you've been thinking about the kind of work you're meant to do, consider these 10 questions, adapted from It's Not What You Sell, It's What You Stand For. And remember, "discovering your purpose is more art than science" (p. 35).

1.  What originally prompted you to do what you do?

2.  Have there been any false starts down other paths that continue to resonate with you?

3.  What makes the difference between when you're successful and when you're not?

4.  Why do you do what you do? Why is that important?

5.  When your mind is freely wandering, what kinds of things do you find yourself thinking about?

6.  What kind of work do you know you DON'T want to do?

7.  What are you deeply passionate about?

8.  Ask your closest friends and family: What value do I offer?

9.  If you set your rational thoughts aside, what is your heart telling you?

10.  Is there something you feel you are called to contribute to the world?

Life Coach Tip: Focus on Priorities, Not on Time Management

Do you know why you're still having challenges with time management? (And who isn't?) Because clarity and productivity are not a product of time management. Clarity and productivity follow from established priorities.

The other day the artistic director of an arts group whom I greatly admire asked me to join her board of directors. I declined, with regrets, explaining that "right now, building my practice is my number one priority, and I'm not taking on any new commitments." Down the road, my priorities will shift, but for now, I'm keeping my eyes narrowed and focused.

Having this kind of clarity about priorities is empowering. More importantly, it makes decisions about how to use your time very easy. If you haven't defined a set of criteria for saying, "Yes," then you'll never claim your time, no matter how fancy your device or app. You'll just be squeezing in more stuff. It may be good stuff, even noble stuff, but it won't be YOUR stuff.

Do you remember Elaine's policy on "Seinfeld" when she discovered that the sponge, her contraceptive of choice, had been discontinued? She now faced a finite supply, and every potential intimate encounter became an issue of priorities. She had a powerful single criterion for giving a guy a thumb's up or a thumb's down: "Is he sponge-worthy?"

What you need to connect with at a very deep level is the fact that your time is in as short supply as Elaine's sponges. Are you willing to squander it on any Tom, Dick, or Harry?

Tell me, what's your version of Elaine's question?

We all have those times when life appears a blur. The to-do list only gets longer and we don't feel like we're accomplishing anything worthwhile. Everything is a fog.

That's when it helps to press pause, sit down, and remember that, in the midst of muck, you do have some clarity. Ask yourself: What am I most clear about in this world?

At yesterday's RETURN TO CLARITY mini-retreat for women, we used that question as an ice-breaker. Here are a few of the answers:

• "I am good at learning"
• "I need variety in my life/work/relationships"
• "I can take care of myself"
• "I love my girls"
• "I am entering a new season of life"

Try it for yourself now, and write down your answer(s). Even use it as a freewriting prompt: "What I am most clear about is . . ."