April 2009 Archives

Dear Oprah,

I'll admit, I've been grumpy ever since the show featuring Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond, and Star Jones. But today's show, it just sent me over the edge.

Kirstie Alley. Again???

Not only did she sound like a jealous teenager who'd been outdone by her cuter younger sister, but her answers to your questions weren't even coherent. Clearly, she has deeper issues than her weight.

Alley has garnered more than her 15 minutes of fame (and fortune: it was a paid weight loss escapade). It's time to cut her loose.

More importantly, it's time for all of us to stop feeding the cultural hysteria about losing weight.

At a time when our country is suffering a massive upheaval, why is our culture spotlighting women over 45 whose only remaining talent is looking like a 20-year-old? Why are we letting ourselves be distracted from the real work at hand? Why aren't we celebrating and rewarding women's real talents?

It's OKAY that you regained the weight. You're Oprah. Really, we don't define you by your weight. (Maybe it's a sign that you need to slow down, but that's another blog post . . .)

At times of cultural instability, it's typical that mass culture insists on regulating women's bodies and on reinscribing their traditionally private roles as sexual objects and mothers. After all, we need to save the jobs in the public sphere for the men folk, who actually need to bring home the bacon.

As women, we need to remain vigilant about rejecting the old stereotypes and all that they imply.

Please, please. No more Kirstie Alley!

Your loyal viewer/listener/reader,
Ann Daly

I want to be Judge Judy. Because if I were Judge Judy,

• I'd have said it first: "Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."

• I would always have an audience

• I could pull off the lace collar look

• I would take girlfriend getaways with Barbara Walters

• I would never ever have to suffer another fool
  

• The last word would always be mine
  

'The Unlikely Lavender Queen' by Jeannie Ralston

There's no substitute for a good book. It brings us back to our quiet selves, to the present moment, to the paper between our fingers. And it can send us away from ourselves, into places and lives that we may never encounter in real life.

Here's one for you to pick up: Jeannie Ralston's The Unlikely Lavender Queen: A Memoir of Unexpected Blossoming. It's a really wonderful read. (And I'm very picky.)

Jeannie Ralston was a chic young freelance writer in New York City when she met and married Robb Kendrick, a National Geographic photographer. She follows him to Texas and before long they begin the state's first commercial lavender farm. At first, the rural life stymies her urban self-image and stalls her career goals. But ultimately, she embraces her life in Blanco, welcoming visitors to cut their own lavender and advising other aspiring growers.

The Unlikely Lavender Queen is actually three books in one.

First, it's the Texas version of Under the Tuscan Sun. Writer heads to the country, renovates old farmhouse, finds the life of her dreams. (I an a sucker for this story, in all its incarnations. I've read the Italian original, the French version, the Australian version, and now the Texan version. And I live the Wimberley version.)

Second, it's a how-to book for entrepreneurs. When Ralston accepts responsibility for running the lavender business, she goes at it full throttle. There's a thing or two or three to be learned from her marketing savvy.

Third, it's a woman's memoir. Ralston's life, like most women's lives, is complicated. She accedes to her husband's desires over her own, and is left alone with the kids and business much of the time as he travels the world on assignment. She faces post-partum depression. She gets over-involved in the local community, all the while bemoaning the fact that she's not getting any writing done. Ralston doesn't whitewash her life. The lavender fields may be picture-perfect, but her life is messy and contradictory. It's a struggle to acclimate, both literally and metaphorically. And in the end, when she reaches that unexpected blossoming, having succeeded in building the lavender business and growing to love it, her husband decides that he is going to sell the farm. Are you kidding me?

Is it a flaw or a virtue that Ralston keeps following her husband's lead? Obviously, between the end of this memoir (they move to Mexico) and the publication of the book, she did manage to return to the writing life and produce this book. Now, that's a part of the story I'm really curious to read.

(BTW, Ralston will be leading a "Lavender Queen Tour" of the Texas Hill Country on June 12. I'm tempted . . .)

We talked quite a bit about handling challenging situations at work. How do you turn frustration into patience?

Katie told me her story at break.

Katie served in the Navy for a number of years. "And you can't quit the Navy," she told me. "You have to find a way to be patient until things change."

I pressed her. How did you manage to find that patience?

She offered me her sage advice, and generously permitted me to share it with you:

1.    Instead of focusing on what you cannot change, focus on what you're good at.

2.   Remember that the situation will change eventually, because everything changes.

3.    Step outside of yourself. Help someone else in need.

I met Marjorie Burciaga at a recent "meeting of the minds" luncheon hosted by the fabulous event-based marketing women at CE Group Austin (Maryam Fernandez, Natalie Mendoza, Randee Wallerstein) and the Driskill Hotel's catering diva, Linda Poole. Great food, great women, great venue!

It came as no surprise when Burciaga, in a sleek tan pants suit, told me that she's an image consultant. I had already admired her sense of understated elegance.

Turns out, she's the woman behind a really useful article in this month's austinwoman magazine:  "Don't Be a 'Business Casual' Casualty."

Here are a few of Marjorie's best tips for achieving a relaxed, classy look for work:

• Don't confuse social dress with business casual dress

• Start with what you have in your own closet

• Make sure your clothes are altered to fit your body

• Aim for a streamlined silhouette, which says, "I've got it all under control"

• Grooming is essential to your overall impression
  

The best part of the article? Marjorie offers a checklist for a business casual basic wardrobe.

3 Reasons Why Feminism Matters

1.  A woman earns 78 cents for every dollar that a man earns

2.  Of new grads, women make $15,498 less per year than men; after 35 years, the women will make $210,000 less in cumulative earnings

3.  At this rate, says the American Association of University Women, we can expect to reach pay equity in 2040

Is the the world we want for our daughters?

Clarity is the secret weapon.

I see it time and time again, when a client wants to step through the fog. When a friend wants the best revenge: living well. When I need to deal with a difficult situation.

I like to ask my keynote audiences about their experiences of clarity, because I believe in collective wisdom. Here's a story I want to contribute to that collective wisdom, one I heard when I spoke to the annual conference of the Women's Council of Realtors of Texas.

Stacy Gonzalez--from Midland, TX--raised her hand immediately, eager to tell her tale of clarity.

Stacy started out in real estate with a boss who wouldn't let her use her real estate license. She talked with him time and again about actually doing what she was trained to do.

After the fifth unsatisfying conversation, she was clear: she was going to go out on her own.

"I gave my resignation without any idea of where I was going to go, but I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted.

"That weekend I saw a newspaper ad that intrigued me. I called and found my new home with women who are as ambitious as I am, ready to take on the real estate world!"

Stacy now works with McCourt Real Estate, "selling the tall city."

"This isn't an ending to my story. I think of it as a great new chapter on how a legacy is being created. I hope that I'll be looked upon as a pioneer realtor who brought a completely new vision to the Permian Basin and found my clarity doing it."

Question: How can you turn an apparent obstacle into a clarifying vision?

I meet and work with a lot of women who yearn to write but don't quite know how to begin. It's one thing to take classes and workshops, and it's completely another thing to develop your own writing practice. So I asked Dr. Saundra Goldman, a writer and writing teacher I greatly admire, for some advice.

Saundra will be leading "Build a Writing Practice," a day-long retreat sponsored by the Writers' League of Texas, on April 25 at Casa de Luz, Austin. She brings years of experience in writing practice, including intensive study with writing guru Natalie Goldberg, author of Writing Down the Bones.

First off, I asked Saundra how she defines writing practice.

"Writing can be a practice the way meditation and yoga are practices," she says. "It is part of your daily rounds, something you do whether you feel like it our not, without expectation or judgment. And then there is writing practice as developed by Natalie Goldberg, in which you set a timer and keep your hand moving until the practice period is over."

I've been doing morning pages--a three-page "brain drain" practice that Julia Cameron made popular in her book The Artist's Way--for more than a decade. It's an essential component of my clarity process. If I miss a day or two, I'm soon feeling out of sorts.

Goldberg's timed writing practice requires you to keep your hand moving. "This way you can bypass your inner editor to contact first thoughts," Saundra says. "Those 'aha' moments in your writing, little epiphanies and insights that arise when you manage to get out of your own way, are moments of clarity."

If you want to begin your own writing practice, here are Saundra's top three tips:

1. Keep it simple. Twenty minutes, three times a week, is a good place to start. Or even ten minutes, if that's all you have. Make it manageable.

2. Create accountability. Find a writing buddy you can check in with regularly. Set intentions together and then check back to report your progress.

3. Practice compassion. If you miss a day, don't beat yourself up. Treat yourself with great patience and kindness.

(You can register online for Saundra's "Build a Writing Practice" retreat.)

I love Lorie Marrero's new book, The Clutter Diet: The Skinny on Organizing Your Home and Taking Control of Your Life. On this diet, I can still eat chocolate!

A certified professional organizer, Lorie takes a calm, practical approach to the art and science of getting organized. No extreme makeovers here, no starvation injunctions. Just wise, sensible advice and practical strategies.

And she goes beyond storage, systems, and upkeep. Lorie deals with ways of thinking that clarify the mind as well as the home.

You know I'm all about questions--they constitute two of the five steps in my book Clarity: How to Accomplish What Matters Most. Lorie offers four essential questions that I want to share with you here. You can apply them to every aspect of your life. In fact, Lorie urges you to apply them relentlessly:

In yesterday's post ("Kerry Tate on Personal Branding"), Kerry Tate of Civic Interest recounted the story of former Texas governor Ann Richards' "list." Today I want to tell you what was on that list.

Richards focused on that list of life priorities when she was interviewed by PJ Pierce for her book "Let Me Tell You What I've Learned: Texas Wisewomen Speak."

Richards explained that, after her defeat in the 1994 gubernatorial election, she was left in a new position, outside of public service. Her aging mother was needing more attention, and she wanted to spend more time with her children and grandchildren. Richards explained:

So, for the first time, I realized that I probably needed to measure the number of years I had left to live--something that people rarely do--and that I'd better decide how I wanted to live those years. . . . Until then, I had always done what was expected of me or what I felt obligated to do.

I think I have approximately twenty years left. My mother died last year at the age of eighty-six, and I figure I have twenty years to live with all my faculties in place. It was a new experience to be able to see a finite end to my life, rather than living from goal to goal.

The rules of the list? No more than five items. Each one begins with the phrase "I want." They have to be affirmative desires. And "I didn't include my children on my list because they are always number one."

1. I want to work.
2. I want to add to the world that my grandchildren will inherit. I want to be socially responsible.
3. I want to work with people I like.
4. I want to travel for fun, not just for work.
5. I want to learn new things.

Besides favors she owed friends, Richards refused any requests that didn't meet four out of five of these criteria.

This interview was published in 2002. Richards passed away four years later of esophageal cancer.

I'll ask you, as Richards asked Tate, "What's yer five?"

(Read yesterday's post, "Kerry Tate on Personal Branding.")




Kerry Tate recalls what began as a chance encounter with Ann Richards at a downtown Austin eatery. The former governor instructed the PR powerhouse to sit down, and proceeded to explain her "list." This was a list of five things that were core to her position and brand. Her strict policy? If a request or opportunity didn't meet at least four of those five criteria, the answer was 'No.'

Richards then leaned across the table and asked, "What's yer five?"

Her warning was grave: "If you don't get this right, you're gonna live someone else's life."

For Tate, renowned former head of public relations and public affairs firm TateAustinHahn, personal branding is nothing less than defining your authentic self. At her talk on Friday, a fundraiser for GENaustin (Girls Empowerment Network), she focused less on the commercial origin of the term and more on her connection with its spiritual dimension.

She used words like "vocation," "grace," and "sacrament."

And she urged the overflow audience to "sit, stay, and inquire within."

More specifically, she invited us to consider the following three questions. You could use any one of them as a meditation for your next 15 minutes of nothing, or as a writing prompt:

1.    What love brought you into your work in the first place?

2.    What must you embrace about your identity as though your whole life depended upon it?

3.    What love calls you to the next step of yourself and/or your work?

(Want to learn more about how Kerry Tate made the transition from TateAustinHahn to Civic Interest, a group venture for civic entrepreneurs? Read my eletter "Pushing and Yielding.")

It's time to shred!

Records manager Susan Soy is Library Services Manager at the Austin Public Library, and she knows how important it is to clear the clutter. "As a recovering workaholic who regularly attends WA recovery meetings here in Austin, I can attest to how freeing it is to clear the clutter, delve into the reasons we create clutter, and let it go!"

Shredding is the ideal way to dispose of personal records and protect yourself from identity theft.

Shred Day 2009 will be held 8am to 2pm on Saturday, April 18, in the Austin High School (1715 W Cesar Chavez) parking lot. The annual event is sponsored by the Association of Records Managers and Administrators and The City of Austin Solid Waste Services.

It's free, and it's easy as one-two-three.

Just drive up, throw a donation into to the Capital Area Food Bank jar, and let the volunteers toss your boxes in the shred trucks. You don't even have to get out of the car!

You can bring up to five file boxes. And don't forget your monetary donation for the Capital Area Food Bank.

(Note: no wet material, no plastics/binders, and no electronic media.)

Here's a note I received from travel writer/photographer extraordinnaire Beth Schrader. It's a great description of clarity:

I've been working on my backlog of photos: cropping, getting rid of red eyes, lightening dark scenes.

But the action I use the most is 'Clarify.'

The help system for this software says: 'Use the Clarify command to give your images a crisp, focused look so objects stand out. This command adds a sense of depth and clarity to the image. It can make hazy, foggy, or slightly out of focus images look clearer.' And it does. Almost every photo looks better after the Clarify process.

Ann, this is exactly what you do for us!

Read Beth's latest travel article, on San Diego, in AustinWoman magazine.

Photo by Beth Schrader.

For Clarity, Switch Your Focus

I began this glorious morning out on the back deck, admiring the garden. After a half dozen years (and a few good recent rains), it's finally getting close to the lush green woodland glade I originally envisioned.

Then I walked down into the garden, on the stone-and-gravel pathway to the pond. Something green caught my eye, and I realized that a tiny weed was popping through. I bent over to pinch out the interloper.

Before I could feel too smug at the restored perfection, I noticed yet another weed. I refocused my eyes and scanned the ground nearby. I discovered another and another and another weed.

Once I had changed my focus from the big picture to the detail, a whole other world had come into view.

The same principle holds true in the rest of our lives: don't get stuck in a single focal length. Look up, look down--look sideways. Squint hard, squint soft. There's always another perspective, and the more perspectives you can bring to an issue, the clearer you'll be about it. If you tend to be a big picture thinker, switch to the micro level. If you like to roll around in the details, take a step back and expand the view.

Photo by Lorri37