These
are complicated times for ambitious women. On the one hand, there are record
numbers of women at the top of industry. This year's woman-to-woman CEO
succession at Xerox was a remarkable milestone. On the other hand, the glass
ceiling remains firmly in place: Although women hold 50.8% of managerial
positions in the labor market, they represent only 3% of Fortune 500 CEOs.
The
media is crammed with pundits who claim the final word on what women want,
need, or lack. There is a lot of statistical number-crunching and even more
speculation. Women make better managers. Women are less happy. Women would have
saved Wall Street.
But
for all this attention to women in the workplace, we live in an age of mommy
bloggers and hope, not an age of activism. Despite the fact that women remain
grossly underpaid, taking home 78% of what men do, we are no longer inspired by
feminist fervor. In fact, there is a pervasive reluctance to even acknowledge
that sexism still exists, Harriet Rubin reported last year in a
Portfolio magazine cover story.
Come
to think of it, when was the last time you heard or read the word "sexism"?
Researchers
have had to invent new terms, like "neo-sexism" or "modern sexism." They point
out that the 21st-century version of sexism is nothing blatant, nothing "Mad
Men." After all, sexual discrimination and sexual harassment are now illegal.
Men, for the most part, have learned to appear politically correct. Most of
them are savvy enough not to engage, at least consciously, in so-called "gender
stereotyping."
So
why, then, are women still lagging behind? Why are women's success stories
still the exceptions that prove the rule?
Because
beyond laws and regulations and attitude is the deepest, most pervasive, most
unconscious and ingrained layer of our lives: culture. All of our laws and all
of our diversity training won't close the gender gap, because it's the culture,
sweetheart.
It's
the culture that insists on coding babies as blue or pink. It's the culture
that assumes men in the public sphere and women in the domestic sphere. It's
the culture that defines active qualities as "masculine" and passive qualities
as "feminine." It's the culture of patriarchy, in which power and privilege accrue
to the men.
If
you doubt that male privilege endures, just replay to Hillary Clinton's
presidential candidacy.
Or
consider the story I heard from Sarah, a mid-level manager in the tech
industry. After organizing transportation for a team project, a male colleague
recognized her success by describing her as "a great team mom." "Why was I 'a
great team mom,'" she wondered, "while a male colleague who had performed the
same task was praised as 'a great team manager'?"
Culture
is the web of signs and symbols that enmeshes us so completely that we imagine
it is inevitable, or "natural." Everything from language to images and institutions
to rituals are part of this deep structure for our everyday lives.
That's
why patriarchy is so hard to pin down, let alone change.
It's subliminal, like
the bass line of a song. You don't pick out the bass line to hum, because the
melody is so much catchier. But it's actually that bass line that provides the
rhythmic support for the music. You may not hum it, but you feel it in your
bones.
Now,
I realize that this is a moment when women want to focus on the positive. We
want to emphasize the strides, not the stumbles. We despair of being pre-judged
and pre-labeled as women. We would prefer, like Carly Fiorina, the Hewlett Packard
CEO who (in)famously remarked that "there is not a glass ceiling," to deny
reality rather than be defined by it.
As
tempting as that tactic may be, reality ultimately refuses to be denied. Patriarchy
doesn't disappear when we close our eyes.
I
say, it's better to know exactly what you're up against. To that end, I've
pulled together the top 10 unwritten rules for working women. Don't let them
sabotage your ambitions.
1.
Men get the benefit of the doubt.
Men generally get hired on their promise and women on their demonstrated experience.
Men are usually taken at their word, while women get challenged more, required
to deliver data and substantiation for their views. Chicken or egg: Do men get
the benefit of the doubt because they are better qualified, or are they better
qualified because they get the benefit of the doubt?
2.
Looks matter. When is
the last time you saw a CEO in shorts or a short-sleeved shirt? Bare those arms
and legs at your own risk: flesh conjures up images of the beach and the
boudoir, not the boardroom.
3.
You won't get sufficient feedback. Professional development depends upon rigorous, comprehensive,
ongoing feedback on your performance. How else will you grow and improve? According
to the research, your male boss may not feel comfortable delivering that information
to you, so you'll need to be direct in asking for it from him and from other
colleagues and team members.
4.
A working mother's commitment is assumed to be ambivalent. At worst, mothers are seen as potential
flight risks from the organization, and therefore not worthy of any further
investment. At best, mothers are denied plum travel and assignments, under the
guise of benevolent protectionism, because "they won't want to leave home so
much." Don't let anyone else speak or decide for you.
5.
Actually, it is
personal. In
mid-career, at the point where everyone brings comparable talent to the table,
it's
who you know,
not
what you know,
that gets you promoted. As HR pros will tell you, you don't push yourself to
the top, you get pulled there. Men knew what they were doing when they invented
the old boys' club. From the get-go, women need to be just as savvy, cultivating
loose ties, close ties, mentors, allies, and champions.
6.
Men are bred for self-confidence.
From Little League to fraternities to the golf course, men's lives emphasize
competition. By the time they get to the workplace, they are seasoned
competitors, with all of the self-confidence that comes from having successfully
weathered both the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Consider the consequences:
one internal corporate study showed that women will apply for an open job only
if they meet 100% of the criteria listed, while men will apply if they meet
just 60%. In order to assume that same level of self-possession (and entitlement),
you have to design your own path to self-confidence.
7.
Women are rendered invisible until they demonstrate otherwise. If you want to be noticed, you've got
to offer your ideas, approach a mentor, ask for the assignments, build a
network, convey your aspirations, and communicate your achievements. I've
heard Sharon Allen, chairman of Deloitte LLP, tell this cautionary tale from
her early career, when she was passed over for a promotion that she had earned.
Allen went to her boss and asked why she had been passed over, since she had
done x, y, and z to earn it. "Oh," he replied, "I didn't realize that you'd
done x, y, and z." It's one thing to lose the game because you were outperformed,
but it's another thing altogether to lose because you were never in play.
8.
Women don't take charge, they take care. Research has shown that both men and women will judge a
woman less favorably who asks for a higher starting salary than a man with the
same credentials asking for the same thing. Men are rewarded for their
out-spokenness, while women are expected to go along for the greater good. In
order to negotiate this "woman penalty," you've got to dance that fine line
between assertive and pushy, authoritative and bossy, smart and arrogant. Brush
up on your cha-cha.
9.
Women are different.
Make no mistake. "Different" never means "equal." "Different" is code for
"other." And in any us-them situation, you know what happens to the outsiders.
Just think back to the "separate but equal" credo of racial segregation.
Defining women as "different" (whether it's done by men or by women) serves to
keep women positioned as outsiders, despite our increasingly dominant numbers
in the workplace.
10.
Women make great worker-bees, but visionary leaders--not so much. Margaret Thatcher is often quoted as
saying: "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask
a woman." Unfortunately, that's the kind of thinking that keeps the vast majority
of women stuck in middle management, while men move forward into leadership
roles. At a certain point, you've got to give up the grindstone to pursue vision
and strategy.
What would you add to the list? Click on the comment button to add your thoughts.
