June 2010 Archives

What I Learned from Joan Rivers

If you've listened to my Do-Over! audiobook, you know I'm a sucker for gutsy, ballsy women like the ones I discovered here in Texas. Today I found another one, in Manhattan. I went to see "Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work," and just loved it. (Run, don't walk, to the theatre.) Here's what I took away from this portrait of the comic as a still-outrageous woman:

1.    Follow your obsession
Even in such an impossible industry, Joan can't ignore her call to the stage. "I have no choice," she says.

2.    Stake out your own territory
When warned by an early manager that she "didn't want to go there"--talking about the taboo subject of abortion--she counters: "That's exactly what we need to be talking about."

3.    Go where the action is
Joan's agent paints an image of her as perpetually standing out in the rain, because she knows that's where lightning strikes.

4.    Take a breath, then start over again
As soon as her play goes bust, Joan is on to the next round of projects, looking for that lightning to strike.

5.    Focus, focus, focus
Joan's focus is "maniacal," her agent says. Forget the three-year plan. She wants to know what's doing this Monday.

6.    Confront your hecklers
Joan doesn't let anyone silence or diss her.   

Further reading:
What I Learned from Arianna Huffington
What I Learned from Nancy Pelosi

4 Ways to Finance Your Do-Over!

Sooner or later, money becomes an issue in your Do-Over! planning.

While finances are an important parameter in your reinvention roadmap, they shouldn't become a limitation. I asked financial life coach Jennifer Jaime CPA to share her expertise here: How can women get clear about their finances during a life or career Do-Over!?

1.    Get in-the-know
When making a transition, it is important to look at your money. If there is fear of "the unknown" around your money, stop and listen to what your emotions are telling you. I recommend going into transition "in-the-know." Know where you are with your money, then take the leap into your new endeavor.

2.    Be proactive
Once you are in-the-know, make every effort to be proactive. If you know you need $500 more each month, make plans ahead of time to think of creative ways to make it happen.

3.    Consistency is key
Consistency is the key to winning with money. Be consistent with your money plan each month and you will reap the rewards.

4.    Keep Moving Forward
There will be times when you hit a bump in the road. You'll be dipping into the savings account time and time again. Take heart and know the road will not always be this tough. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward!

Jennifer Jaime CPA is a financial coach who's passionate about helping you live out your dream life. She focuses on working your money around the life you always imagined. She won't try to sell your insurance or investments; she actually gives you objective advice for your money.

To learn more from Jennifer, sign up for her free seminar "Money & Emotions: Creating a Safe Place," being held at 6:30pm on Tuesday, June 29, at the Wimberley Community Center, 14068 Ranch Road 12.

PS--Looking for more Do-Over! advice? My audiobook can help!

Watching Ourselves Being Watched

Last week I delivered my "Top 10 Unwritten Rules That Can Sabotage a Woman's Career" speech to the Austin chapter of Women in Communications. It was such a pleasure, because the WIC membership includes a lot of my favorite people.

Responding to rule # 7 ("Women are rendered invisible until they demonstrate otherwise"), one attendee asked me: "How do you put yourself out there on social media without becoming one of 'those people'?"

Here's the answer I gave at the time:

"First, you've got to believe in what you're doing/offering, then get clear about your message. Take the risk to put your message out there, and experiment with various strategies until you develop the unique voice that fits your message and your personal style."

Since then, I've further considered that question, and I realize that I missed a really important teachable moment. Here's the answer I'd give now (if I could have a Q-and-A Do-Over!):

"That question bespeaks another important way that men and women are constructed to move through the world differently. Men take action. They don't worry about how they'll look. At least, it certainly doesn't prevent them from putting themselves out into a public arena with as much power as they can muster. Women, on the other hand, are conditioned to approach action with a 'double-consciousness.' We don't think just about what to do or say, but how it will 'look' to other people when we do or say it. To some extent, it's a wise thing to understand how we're coming across to others, but it becomes a crippling or diminishing thing when we are so concerned with 'how will I look' that we hold back from what we really think or feel. How can we let go of watching ourselves being watched?"

Do You Know When It's Time to Leave?

Sally (not her real name) attended my Do-Over! mini-retreat in mid-May. She just sent this update, which is a great reminder to all of us why it's important to step away from organizations and people who don't encourage or energize us:

"What resonated the most for me during the Do-Over mini-retreat was the concept of habitat--the environment and conditions to best support you. While exploring this more in-depth that day, I realized I needed to surround myself with peers who understood what I wanted to achieve and who were capable of supporting me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

I had recently attempted to network with some professional people in my field but found they "took" what energy, guidance, and volunteer hours I gave them but did not reciprocate in kind or attempt to support my fledgling business. I struggled with the disappointment of having expectations of people who proved to be incapable of this support and exchange. I found myself almost paralyzed by it. Thus, the main goal I had for the retreat was to get me "unstuck."

Let me tell you what happened the very next day after attending the retreat. I received an e-mail announcement sent to the 600 members of the professional group in which I had been involved. It was a poorly worded litany of excuses as to why they were postponing the annual gala and other events. It confirmed to me I needed to move on from this entire group."

As soon as Sally made that decision, she met Karen, a fellow businesswoman who was aligned with and excited by Sally's enterprise.

"That was four weeks ago.  I am now on Karen's board of directors and have started lining up grant money for her.  Our businesses should complement each other well.  I have scheduled a meeting of my foundation's board of directors with renewed motivation and clearer direction."

Thanks, Sally, for sharing your story. It's a vivid reminder that an important part of reinventing our life is clearing out the deadwood. Sometimes that's a challenge, because the deadwood is a person or group we've been attached to for a long time. Knowing when to leave is not just an essential social skill; it's a Do-Over! talent, as well.

Dealing with Do-Over! Anxiety

What we most enjoy about a Do-Over! is the excitement and exhilaration. But there's an underbelly to the experience, too. It's the anxiety that may accompany open-ended change. For some, it's a challenge to live with an unclear picture of the future. They know they're ready for a Do-Over!, but they don't know what it will be. For focused and successful women in particular, that's an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place to be.

Anxiety is a normal part of change, but it shouldn't be so overwhelming that it derails the larger Do-Over! process. Here are four strategies you can use to manage any Do-Over! anxiety you may encounter:

1.    Let go of the old. That's the only way to make room for the new. Stop rehashing, explaining, or second-guessing the past: those are really ways of holding on to the past.

2.    Start or deepen a practice. Whether it's yoga, walking, meditation, or 15 minutes of nothing a day, a practice will provide a structure for you to hold on to when there doesn't seem to be any ground underneath your feet.

3.    Pay attention to specific incidents of anxiety. Don't try to fix them, just "be-with" them. Engage them with curiosity. As you get to know what they're about, you can better figure out how to deal with them.

4.    Write it down. There is nothing like a morning journal or a bout of freewriting to cut that anxiety down to size. If nothing else, just grab a piece of scrap paper, write "What's happening?" at the top of the page, and keep the hand moving for ten minutes.

How do you manage anxiety? Add a comment to share your wisdom.

Photo by :mrMark:

I'm sending out thanks to executive director Sharon Lowe and her fabulous team of staffers and volunteers, who made the benefit luncheon for the Foundation for the Homeless such a great experience. I joined life story guru Jeanne Guy for a conversation entitled "Mothers and Fathers of Experience: The Power of Nurturing."

We think of mothers and fathers as our primal sources of nurturing as children, but as adults, I think we depend less upon individuals to nurture us than upon our relationships with other people. Nurturing differs from teaching or inspiring or fostering in that it happens within the context of an intimate relationship, and usually in a long-term one. Nurturing is about growing our souls.

Our culture is so obsessed with the heroism of the individual, but I think it's relationships, as Jeanne said, that help us go far, if not fast. We usually focus on our partner, on our lover or BFF. When we're looking for a romantic relationship, we likely ask, "What do I want in a boy/girlfriend?" But I think the better question is, "What do I want in a relationship?" It's a matter of finding that person who's willing and able to create that relationship together.

I think of a relationship as a place where I get nurtured. And I know that relationships themselves need to be nurtured, or they stagnate, maybe even die. Take a moment to check in on your most important relationship(s). Do this sentence completion exercise:

Our relationship is a place where I can ________________________.
Our relationship is a place where I wish I could __________________.

Ask your partner to do the same, then compare your answers. Decide together: what one thing can we do this week to make our relationship a more nurturing place?