November 2010 Archives

Words to Live By

Glamour magazine is celebrating the 20th anniversary of its annual "Women of the Year" event. In its December issue, the magazine commemorates two decades of these accomplished women, including their words of wisdom. I found them inspiring--and hope you do, too!

"There are times you're going to feel shaky--that's what girlfriends are for." - Susan Sarandon (1995)

"Dare to compete." - Hillary Clinton (1992)

"You cannot doubt yourself. . . You just have to know who you are and what you stand for." - Jennifer Lopez (1999)

"It's not how you deal with success that's the measure of a woman. It's how you deal with the setbacks." - Katie Couric (2002)

"Don't look at the bankbook. Look at the heart, the soul." - Michelle Obama (2009)

"Find out who you are and be that person." - Ellen DeGeneres (2003)

"Be original, be original, be original." - Sandra Bullock (2006)

"Never let anyone tell you you can't do it." - Venus Williams (2005)

Tell me, which is your favorite quote??

How to Turn Your Divorce into a Do-Over! (or, Ann Daly "Tells All")

I'm not a relationship coach, so I usually steer clear of such topics as dating and divorce. When Statesman writer Marques G. Harper called to interview me about Do-Overs! that happen after a relationship ends, I didn't intend to get personal. But my own story just started pouring out: my first major Do-Over! came after my divorce.

Here's some of what I told Marques:

"When it first happens to anyone, it's devastating. You can't imagine yourself alone," said Daly, author of "Do-Over! How Women Are Reinventing Their Lives," an audiobook of stories about women who are taking second chances.

In her own case, she says, she learned how enjoyable it was to pay attention to who she was.

"I discovered how nourishing solitude is for me personally," said Daly, 50, who started gardening after her divorce. "I had not learned as a young person to be thoughtful about, 'What do I want in a relationship?' instead of all of this romantic smoosh stuff that doesn't prepare us for the work of marriage."

"Discovering a New You," published Friday, offers tips from me and other style and wellness experts on how to get through a breakup. The flip side of the heartache is the chance for a new adventure. All you have to do is choose to take it.

Click here to read the full article.

Photo by banjo d

What I Learned from Nancy Pelosi, Part II

NOTE: This post is not about politics. This post is about career development.

We've all experienced how quickly a job can change. Your position can be irrevocably affected by a new boss, a corporate restructuring, or an economic recession. For Nancy Pelosi, it was the midterm elections.

After losing her job as Speaker of the House of Representatives when her party lost control of the House, she decided to run for continued leadership in the minority role. It was a gutsy move, not one that everyone admired or endorsed. This week she won the vote, retaining leadership of the Democrats in the House.

Earlier this year I wrote about what I learned about self-presentation from Pelosi. Now I want to suggest a few lessons we can take away from her most recent career move: about grace and ambition under extreme pressure. When it hits the fan, here's how can you, too, can keep your cool as well as your career momentum:

Ignore the mean girls (and boys). No matter what you do, there will be those who project upon you their own fantasies. (Women are particularly vulnerable to mother anxieties, but that's the subject of an entire column.) And sometimes they will undercut you in nasty ways, ranging from gossip to outright lies to a smear campaign. Don't squander your power by escalating the nastiness.

Stick by your principles. If you believe in what you do, don't apologize for it, even if it becomes unpopular.

Adapt to changing circumstances. Okay, you didn't get that promotion, or the department has been decentralized, or the budget is being cut. You may not be able to continue on the same path, but can you find another route to your career goal?

Never say "die." In the immortal words of Dylan Thomas, "Do not go gentle into that good night." At the very least, they'll remember you.

Make your case. Pelosi was not shy about articulating why she was re-elected: "Because I'm an effective leader, because we got the job done [ . . . ]. Because they know that I'm the person that can attract the resources [ . . . ] to take us to victory because I have done it before." Tell me, could you deliver as powerful a statement of your accomplishments?

Further reading: What I Learned from Nancy Pelosi, Part I

What I Learned from Oscar G. Brockett

When I was in the throes of abandoning my academic career, there was really only one mental stumbling block that I struggled with. But it was a big one. In my deepest heart, I believed (and still do) in the life of the mind. To dedicate oneself to creating and sharing new knowledge is to live a life of the highest order. I had to ask myself, if I wasn't willing to dedicate myself to that life until the bitter end, was I ever a real scholar in the first place? A real scholar like theatre historian Oscar G. Brockett (1923 - 2010).

Brock died yesterday, and he did indeed research and write until the very end. It was always clear that he would. Even though his definitive theatre history textbook had gone global  generations earlier, he continued to write more and more books. A mentor and a friend, he was to me the sine qua non of our most noble profession.

But Brock taught me something else, even more profound, that permitted me to walk away from all that I had invested, intellectually and psychically and financially, in academia. He taught me that a necessary part of being an intellectual is the willingness to be challenged and even disrupted. To consider a Do-Over!

When I joined Brock on the UT faculty of Theatre & Dance, just recently out of graduate school, something called post-structuralist theory was calling into question the foundation of traditional scholarship. It questioned the very assumptions of books like Brock's. For many professors of his generation, it was an unwelcome and threatening new wave of thinking. But Brock embraced these new ideas, incorporated them into his teaching, and even hired on a young feminist upstart such as myself. I quite self-consciously told myself, "That's how I want to be: I want to remain open to the new all the way down the road. I want to keep thinking it over."

It's a high bar you set, Brock. I'll try my best.

Where to Find Ann Daly . . . in November

It's a good thing I love to write, because I do a lot of it online. Besides my own blog, you can find me weighing in on three other sites: the Huffington Post, the Glass Hammer, and More.

HUFFINGTON POST
Here's where you'll find my "4G Feminism" column. The latest one: "True Patriot: Mama Grizzly or Barbara Jordon." You can sign up to receive an email alert when a new columns appears.

THE GLASS HAMMER
This is a terrific online community for women executives in business, law, and financial services. I contribute the  Ask a Career Coach column. Most recently I wrote: "How to Get Pulled to the Top." Email me with your career question!

MORE MAGAZINE
It's a natural alignment: my Do-Over! stories and More's focus on reinvention. In case you missed it: "10 Ways to Give Away Your Power."

Photo by Peat Bakke

Suzie Humphreys Can Do That, and So Can You

In the five years that I've been coaching women, I've slowly come to the conclusion that our culture tends to exaggerate--even fetishize--fear. Even more, we mis-label fear ("Oh crap, that truck is headed right for us!") when it's actually discomfort ("Oh crap, I really don't want to ask for a raise"). Really, "fear" is no excuse when you fail to take care of business.

And fear is no excuse when you're called to take a risk in service of creating a larger life. No risk, no growth, no change, no Do-Over! No risk, and you're a rut-digger.

Yesterday I finally heard legendary speaker Suzie Humphreys give her talk, "I Can Do That." She's one of those indomitable Texan women, and her story is a hoot and a holler. And she makes plain that fear is not an option. Whether her boss is asking if she knows how to write a newsletter, or run a beauty pageant, or give a helicopter traffic report, her reply is swift and unequivocal: "I can do that!"

So I was thrilled when she answered a question about feeling the fear after the exhilaration. "I don't feel it," she replied. Girlfriend is getting it done, not worrying about what she'll look like. She says she learned self-efficacy (forget "self-esteem," what's important is the sense that you can figure it out and get it done) as a latchkey kid. "I began negotiating the adult world at a very early age."

After the exhilaration, Suzie bypasses the fear. She gets right down to making it happen. "How hard is it?" she exclaims. "You go get a copy of the old form, sit there long enough and somethin' 'll come to you." The trouble comes, she reminded us, when you get up too soon.